A creep

Why do we sometimes sense an extreme yearning for things that are already over?
for the things can never flee the trap that was the past--things that have already attained the point of no return,
consequently building them irrevocable.
Which means that no matter how rigid it could dig up, we have no other option but to allow the less-likeable way things turned out to be, or the resentment that once cherished thoughts have turned into?
and that, the superlative thing to do is to struggle our supreme to live and bear with the cost.

Afterall, it’s over and done with.
and after all, it's just appropriate to comprehend that when things don't stay with us, then it's perhaps because they're not for us.
BUT
why, then, do we persist to pray for things to occur the same way again?
why do we splurge sleepless nights drowning ourselves in thought?
why do we soak our pillows in tears?
why do we tolerate the pain to sneak inside our hearts?

aren't they, as i have mentioned earlier, already done with?

had i known the answers to my why-thens, i would never had asked you.
but the thing is, the only thing i'm sure of was that..
as i adage this thing
i'd been massively affected.

I WILL.... YES I WILL...

I feel uneasy and anxious these past few days. Of all the things that has been going on with my existence I just believe like I am in between two forces fraught to have my thoughts and my feelings on their side. I don’t know if I have completed as much as necessary to get relieve of this spiritual set back or if I have even done something about it. At one point, I am much crammed with so much joy and on the other I am being emptied with so much guilt and disgust that drains my core to emptiness. Various moments I prayed my heart out – all my joys and pains I have capitulated, I prayed for other people even more, I prayed for all the plans that I have ever hoped for and even plans that I opted not to deal for. Nevertheless some moments, I give a minute or two to have my feelings drift around, sheering a hardly pokerfaced and vacuous string of petitions and plea.

Who am I at this time had I taken a further way out? Who could I be with had I preferred a diverse stride? All I ever wanted was to be HAPPY!!! I never dreamt of having a luxurious life. I just wanted to be happy! I don’t want this pain any longer.

I hand over that I will entrust all to HIM. I am allocating HIM to go through my life and to seize my path. You know better than I do and YOUR plans are more effective than mine. Guide me on the right course. I know YOU will bestow me everything I've been wanting for and YOU will answer all the questions I have inside in YOUR planned time.

For now, I’ll just wait for that, MY DEITY…… MY GOD ….