Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I’ll initiate working on them possibly later or tomorrow the latest. But for now, I’ll be keeping track on what I achieve and will try to stick to the “at least three post a week” promise I made for myself. Hopefully….
Friday, April 23, 2010
Today after finishing my errands I sat under running water and pondered. I timidly spoke, I wondered, ranted, rambled, asked, thanked, praised, and questioned.
and I softly sang.
I can't even conclude this topic even though I have a million and one thoughts/emotions sparkling beneath the facade. So much I want to say, but can't, don't know how; all I can do is keep it close to me and hold on to it.
Maybe someday I’ll find the words for it. Maybe someday I’d actually be able to string together a lucid sentence.
But I guess what I can say is this - for the first time in months, I feel lighter, happier, cheerier.
this is a strange, unfamiliar feeling of happiness.
But I could definitely get used to it :)
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Three fridays ago, our guru on relationships, joe d mango, read a letter to his wife on his popular radio program Love Notes.
For the past 11 years, he had been giving advice topeople who would write him letters about their personal problems. To the surprise of his listeners that friday, instead of reading one of his usual letters, he read one that he had written himself to his wife Bing.
Joe felt that he had to tell his listeners that even someone like him could go through a marital crisis, but that he survived it. Here's how his letter goes.
In our 11 years of marriage it was just the two of us. I never had a close circle of friends and she never had one either. Life for us was just "you and me," day in and day out. We were literally sleeping beside each other for 11 years. It came to point that there was nothing more interesting to talk about. I was aware I was doing that but I never did anything about it. We were so close yet it seemed like we were so distant. Then came her new circle of friends. They recently had
an elementary and high school reunion. Remember her persistent suitor since elementary days? He was there. We already had four daughters and the guy had four kids of his own. They exchanged phone numbers. They started to text each other and this bothered me. a big part of it was insecurity and other part was that she once denied that she was texting the guy. I felt bad
because she started hiding things from me. Then the guy asked her if they could meet for lunch. It became a source of tension between us. I finally agreed, but before that, I told her that I felt that I was going through the same pain again. I have seen so many stories like this. If you told me the first part of the story I would already know where it would lead to. Bing accused me of being a "know-it-all" person. But deep in my heart I knew where she was heading. Why would a married guy see a married girl unless it was for business or professional reasons? Finally, even if
it was against my will, I drove her to the meeting place. While I was waiting at the radio station, I wanted to call her but knew it wasn't proper. So I just waited for her to tell me how their meeting went. When she related to me what happened I felt that she was keeping the other details. I was afraid to ask because I wasn't prepared to accept her answers. I told her that it would be best if that was their last meeting. She got mad and told me that I was starting to control her life.
The following day, I saw a small, torn piece of paper that had the words,"lose you" in the trash can at home. I started picking up the pieces of paper and putting them together. She had written: "Felt sad because I felt that this will be our last meeting." "Wanted to hug you..." Before I could figure out what the third one was, Bing was already at my back. She wanted to get the torn pieces of paper back. She said it was private property. We decided to talk. By then, I was able to figure out the third line: "Not sure if afraid to lose you." She had crossed it out and beside
it, she had written, "Wanted to cry." That was what hit me. How could you lose something that's not even with you yet? That was a confirmation that she was getting emotionally attached to the guy. We fought because she didn't want to admit it. She said that what she had written was all about friendship and not about love. For the first time in our marriage she asked for freedom from me. For 11 years we were always together, and now this. She had discovered her own little world and wanted to explore it. I didn't want to give it to her but finally I gave in. I told her that she could do anything she wanted and not worry about how I would feel. In fact, I told her that I was planning to leave her and kids for a while so we could give each other the chance to be alone. We decided to give the new arrangement a try.
The following day, Thursday, I went to work early and she texted me. I never answered back. When I didn't respond, she called me. She said, "I'm sorry. I love you and I miss you." For the first time in our marriage I said, "I love you and I miss you too" with tears in my eyes. I realized how much I loved her but I also knew how much she wanted her freedom. When I arrived at the station I asked for a leave. My boss advised me to think it over, but he said that he would allow me to go on leave. After letting it all out I felt relieved. It was the first time in my life that I asked for advice about our relationship.
While I was talking with my boss, a messenger arrived with 12 white roses arranged in a basket. It came from Bing. Then a text message on my cellphone came, "I know that no material things can ease the pain that you're feeling right now, but these flowers signify my pure and sincere intentions. I'm really sorry. Please forgive me." Still, a question continued to bug me: "I'm giving you the freedom. Will you choose to stay or go on?" I read the card, and it had the answer to
my question: "Dear Dad, I finally realized that I made a very big mistake in choosing a new found friendship at the expense of our long-time friendship. Please forgive me. I will always love you." Bing called the guy and told him that she wanted to end the friendship. He said that they could just text or call each other. Bing said that there was no need. We had dinner and talked up to 1 am. It was like getting married all over again. We lost each other and found our way back. I do not want to go through the same pain again.
Friday came and it was the first time in the history of Love Notes that I couldn't do Love Notes. I scheduled a replay. When I was at the station at 9am,I composed a letter to Bing. I was asking myself, should I read this or do a replay? I chose to read the letter. It is not unusual to hear people say "I love you because...," but this story has shown us that the deeper and greater love is having to say "I LOVE YOU IN SPITE OF..." -end-
What hurts most? ..when you can't fight for that one thing that would make you happy..
I may never be the girl you look forward to seeing every day., but I will always be the girl who will look out for you each and every day..
Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?
love is when you can't sleep.., it's when you want to keep your eyes open..love isn't when you keep holding
on.., it's when you learn to let go..love isn't when you kill yourself with jealousy.., it's when you understand..love isn’t' when you fall for someone.., it's when you catch that person...
when she falls..love isn't when you see her everywhere.., it's when you close your eyes and she is still there..love isn't when you tell her what you feel.., it's when you give everything for her sake.. And love isn't when you think you were blind.., it's when you know she was wrong but you didn't mind.
"hope you get touched with the story...."
Monday, April 19, 2010
My eyes were right in front the tv but I wasn’t paying attention to what I was watching. My mind was drifting somewhere like it can wander farther.
My life’s pretty plain right now. No drama (it’s over and done. hate it!). Not potholed. Neither euphoric. It’s the one chapter in my book you would have rather skipped reading because there’s barely any excitement in there.
I guess, I just need these kind of drive and inspiration. I mean not flooding tears on my pillow. I just need to be really, really inspired and driven, not only to come up with a ‘word-fest’, but simply to go away from the plainness.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Time moves so fast.
A last surviving father also succumbed to his failing health. He’d been confined for 2 weeks at AUFMC in Angeles City and treated for almost a month at Subic Airbase Hospital for Cancer People in Olongapo and since then been bedridden in our home for 3 weeks. He passed away early morning on 21st March. In his last days, he would often cry on the spot upon seeing relatives visiting him or cry even in the middle of conversations among his children.
Despite the heavy rains that day, the ceremony continued with the family, relatives and people finally walking the casket to the city cemetery in the afternoon all the support from families, relatives, friends, Honorable Gringo Honasan and Philippine Constabulary family.
I would always remember him as a stiff person who doesn’t talk much. A peculiar mix of characteristics, I think though, at the same time.
I was, to be honest, never attend to his funeral. For the reason that, I flew here in Abu Dhabi last February 2.
I really missed him. I really feel the guilt here in my heart why I went here during his last days of his life.
It’s been years now since my Dad passed away and I can still feel him in me. The only day that he’s gone from me was on his birthday, Christmas day, New Years day.
And now, 12th of April falls his birthday.. I just wanna send this message to him..
Papaps, I know you’re just sleeping there. Take care and see you soon. You’re the best dad!!! I love you….
Friday, April 9, 2010
ok, currently im not one to divulge my thoughts to anyone in writing.. (I’ll just utter what's on my mind and most of the time people will just forget about it)
Here's what i grasp.. not everyone reads everyone's blogs! so, who cares!
this is good as i will have an outlet to let things out.. Keeping it all in is just so hard. im so excited to start you just have no idea!!